molikewhoa (molikewhoa) wrote,

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it's over

i broke up with him in houston. on the fourth of july.

there was so much going on that looking back, it still astounds me his inability to care about anything, specifically me and my feelings. it came down to him not respecting me, not listening to me, insulting me, talking down to me, and so forth. and i don't even know why.

he said, "all women get like this at this point in their relationships. i've been through it before so nothing you have to say is new to me."

ouch. he told me that his job meant more to him than me, he didn't return my calls after i got back to dallas (i wanted to at least try and explain why i felt i had to do it; he just wouldn't listen to me), and then when i did finally talk to him, he insisted that he hadn't had the time to think about the relationship because he was so busy with his job and that he would let me decide what to do.

i told him to live his life and be happy.

why? he treated me like such shit the whole time i was visiting him (mind you, taking a greyhound bus and missing a week of work only to be insulted), and all i wanted to do was talk to him about my worries i was having with him moving and try and work through it like adults. but that didn't happen. he just ignored everything i had to say and broke me down to a point to where i was seriously doubting the person i am. he made me feel like i am a bad person. and that's why i had to let him go. i wrote him a letter before i left explaining this all to him and so much more but when i asked him had he read it, he said no. the raining in houston turned everything in his mailbox to mush.

and now, three weeks later, i am so confused as ever. i don't feel right. i feel like i would give him another chance if he asked for it, but he won't. everything that has been said or happened between us since i last saw him clearly indicates that he wants to get on with his career and life without me. i try to avoid thinking about him, but everything reminds me of stupid things he did that made me laugh. he has so many wonderful qualities about him that i want so much to be around because they made me a better person. it was working, it worked for so long and it's over.

i didn't really want to end it. i wish he would have listened to me, i wish he would have tried to make compromises, i wish i could have done whatever it is that he obviously needed me to in order for it to work out. but i have no idea because he never told me.

from the moment i saw him, i knew there was something different, and it's hard to just shake that feeling off, as if it never happened.
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