You know you're a submariner's wife if...
*You use the words poopie suit, duty, head, cover, O dark thirty and field day in a non perverse way on a daily basis.
* You lost count of the number of times you've been on board "The world's most powerful warship."
* You know what time the mid watch is.
* You've stayed awake during the mid watch to talk to your husband on the phone.
* You've eaten in crews mess and wonder how they could mess up a salad.
* You've super glued, ironed on, or velcroed a patch onto a uniform (or conned the local seamstress to make it right by tomorrow and she gets double the price.
* You've lived in any or all of the following cities; Norfolk, VA., Kingsland, GA., Groton, CT., Bangor, WA., Saratoga, NY., and San Diego, CA.
* You think the day after duty is a special holiday.
* You know the difference between a mini-day liberty after field day and fast cruise.
* Your husband has ever uttered the words "I'm not at liberty to say".
* You can pack a sea bag in under 10 minutes.
* You know what a TLD, LES and TVQ are, but you don't know what the etters stand for.
* You've stood on the pier despite snow and rain to watch the boat pull in.
* Anything less than 30 days doesn't really count as a patrol.
* The other crew/division always gets the better deal.
* You know at least 10 guys you would consider friends of the family and yet you still don't know their first names.
* You send emails religiously to a system you know is broken.
* You expect an email everyday from a system you know is broken.
* You've spent more months of your marriage apart than you have actually spent together.
* You've actually grown to like sleeping alone despite the fact you know you are married and he will possibly share that bed 110 days of 365.
* You use a phone tree.
* You have your ombudsman's number programmed into your phone only because "something might happen and she is your only contact that can successfully reach the captain".
* You know what "boat smell" is.
* You know what month it changes from dress whites to dress blues and back again.
* You give him a kiss and a smile when you drop him off at the turnstiles and wonder why surface fleet entries aren't the same (and thencry all the way home).
* You know what it means when your child says "daddy has duty...again??" and proceed to take out all their frustrations on you.
* You know the differences between 3 section and 4 section duty.
* You're strong enough to say "No honey, go out in port, enjoy yourself, you deserve it and patiently wait through the 20 hour difference in time zones to tell him our child puked all over me during the 10 hour wait in the naval hospital emergency room as you fight the urge to scream "I'm tired and this is HIS child!"
* You can honestly accept phone calls, snail mail and webcams are purely a surface luxury.
* You have told a creditor "No, really, I don't have power of attorney because he had to work every day until O dark thirty for 6 weeks prior to this deployment but if you want your money you better tell me what the problem is".
* You look at your dog or cat as a "Partner in life".
* You've listened to a surface fleet wife say "it's been 2 days and I haven't heard anything from him" and wanted to punch her.
* You have asked the toilet "Why do you do this every time he leaves?" (and the air conditioner, the garage door opener and the dryer, etc)
* You've told your boss after the school calls "You just don't get it...I'm a single parent regardless of the fact I am wearing a wedding band and the DNA tests proved it is his baby, too!"
* You have told your child's therapist "You're kidding, who would have thought "after a diagnosis of separation anxiety and lack of communication".
* You go in debt after convincing yourself that spending money in the 6 months of silence is justified regardless of the fact they were on a "mission".
* You had good intentions by viewing the Elmo version of "Talk, Listen and Connect" and your toddler screams and cries for the next hour about how he/she can't see daddy on the computer.
* You check your email every 10 minutes by hitting the send/receive button convincing yourself it has to be the server.
* Your local Blockbuster employees know you by name and talk about how you have no life with your excessive online/in-store rentals, not to mention how many times you say "if your daddy was here you would not be acting like this".
* You continue to miss and love the absent best friend and husband you know that endures the bare minimum of life's luxuries to keep his family and this country safe.
* You have accepted the fact that no one will ever understand the loneliness, pain and suffering your heart endures no matter how much they say "I can imagine what it feels like.
* Your husband/mate keeps a watch that counts down his time until shore duty/EAOS to the second.
* You spend a majority of the time answering "I don't know" to the following questions: when will he be home? Will you make it for the wedding? Can we book the hotel rooms for you now? Will you be here for the family reunion? Will you make it to see us this year?
* You know the homecoming in a submariner's life is the one thing that makes it justified and how many hours you spend picking out the right outfit no matter how unrecognized by the media.
Weird. Anyways, I've been having dreams about me living in England and New York, and I've been caught up in these ridiculous scenarios like The Office meets Trainspotting meets Absolutely Fabulous. Interesting. Maybe my subconcious is telling me something.
Another night out, only to have to go to work early in the morning. Now where's Dinah?