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growing up [03 Aug 2008|04:54pm]

Samantha and Aaron had their garage sale today, signing the end of an era, really.

Walking into the empty lewis house, I realized that I basically became an adult there. I spent so much of my wasted youth there and I couldn't be happier. My heart is full of sadness and joy at the same time. To think about how much went on there from the time I was 19 until I moved out back in April is overwhelming. It's a part of my life that I will never get to live again but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it immensely. And I am so happy right now that I enjoy my life, despite the heartbreaks and personal tragedies that make up the human condition. I met so many of my close friends that I have now at that house, I fell in and out of love at that house, and it's a part of me that I don't want to let go but I have to in order to move on with my life.

RIP Lewis House.

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secret myspace message [28 May 2008|10:30pm]
I replied to a myspace bulletin and all this was in the html, but strangely enough, this was not the myspace message I replied to.

You know you're a submariner's wife if...

*You use the words poopie suit, duty, head, cover, O dark thirty and field day in a non perverse way on a daily basis.
* You lost count of the number of times you've been on board "The world's most powerful warship."
* You know what time the mid watch is.
* You've stayed awake during the mid watch to talk to your husband on the phone.
* You've eaten in crews mess and wonder how they could mess up a salad.
* You've super glued, ironed on, or velcroed a patch onto a uniform (or conned the local seamstress to make it right by tomorrow and she gets double the price.
* You've lived in any or all of the following cities; Norfolk, VA., Kingsland, GA., Groton, CT., Bangor, WA., Saratoga, NY., and San Diego, CA.
* You think the day after duty is a special holiday.
* You know the difference between a mini-day liberty after field day and fast cruise.
* Your husband has ever uttered the words "I'm not at liberty to say".
* You can pack a sea bag in under 10 minutes.
* You know what a TLD, LES and TVQ are, but you don't know what the etters stand for.
* You've stood on the pier despite snow and rain to watch the boat pull in.
* Anything less than 30 days doesn't really count as a patrol.
* The other crew/division always gets the better deal.
* You know at least 10 guys you would consider friends of the family and yet you still don't know their first names.
* You send emails religiously to a system you know is broken.
* You expect an email everyday from a system you know is broken.
* You've spent more months of your marriage apart than you have actually spent together.
* You've actually grown to like sleeping alone despite the fact you know you are married and he will possibly share that bed 110 days of 365.
* You use a phone tree.
* You have your ombudsman's number programmed into your phone only because "something might happen and she is your only contact that can successfully reach the captain". 
* You know what "boat smell" is.
* You know what month it changes from dress whites to dress blues and back again.
* You give him a kiss and a smile when you drop him off at the turnstiles and wonder why surface fleet entries aren't the same (and thencry all the way home).
* You know what it means when your child says "daddy has duty...again??" and proceed to take out all their frustrations on you.
* You know the differences between 3 section and 4 section duty.
* You're strong enough to say "No honey, go out in port, enjoy yourself, you deserve it and patiently wait through the 20 hour difference in time zones to tell him our child puked all over me during the 10 hour wait in the naval hospital emergency room as you fight the urge to scream "I'm tired and this is HIS child!"
* You can honestly accept phone calls, snail mail and webcams are purely a surface luxury.
* You have told a creditor "No, really, I don't have power of attorney because he had to work every day until O dark thirty for 6 weeks prior to this deployment but if you want your money you better tell me what the problem is".
* You look at your dog or cat as a "Partner in life".
* You've listened to a surface fleet wife say "it's been 2 days and I haven't heard anything from him" and wanted to punch her.
* You have asked the toilet "Why do you do this every time he leaves?" (and the air conditioner, the garage door opener and the dryer, etc)
* You've told your boss after the school calls "You just don't get it...I'm a single parent regardless of the fact I am wearing a wedding band and the DNA tests proved it is his baby, too!"
* You have told your child's therapist "You're kidding, who would have thought "after a diagnosis of separation anxiety and lack of communication".
* You go in debt after convincing yourself that spending money in the 6 months of silence is justified regardless of the fact they were on a "mission".
* You had good intentions by viewing the Elmo version of "Talk, Listen and Connect" and your toddler screams and cries for the next hour about how he/she can't see daddy on the computer.
* You check your email every 10 minutes by hitting the send/receive button convincing yourself it has to be the server.
* Your local Blockbuster employees know you by name and talk about how you have no life with your excessive online/in-store rentals, not to mention how many times you say "if your daddy was here you would not be acting like this".
* You continue to miss and love the absent best friend and husband you know that endures the bare minimum of life's luxuries to keep his family and this country safe.
* You have accepted the fact that no one will ever understand the loneliness, pain and suffering your heart endures no matter how much they say "I can imagine what it feels like.
* Your husband/mate keeps a watch that counts down his time until shore duty/EAOS to the second.
* You spend a majority of the time answering "I don't know" to the following questions: when will he be home? Will you make it for the wedding? Can we book the hotel rooms for you now? Will you be here for the family reunion? Will you make it to see us this year?
* You know the homecoming in a submariner's life is the one thing that makes it justified and how many hours you spend picking out the right outfit no matter how unrecognized by the media.

Weird. Anyways, I've been having dreams about me living in England and New York, and I've been caught up in these ridiculous scenarios like The Office meets Trainspotting meets Absolutely Fabulous. Interesting. Maybe my subconcious is telling me something.

Another night out, only to have to go to work early in the morning. Now where's Dinah?
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[25 May 2008|10:43am]
I woke up today and a deep rooted sadness set in over how many of my great friends are moving away, or are already gone, over how once that security has left how I will cope with actually being alone in a city of dwindling possibilities, over how I can't seem to shake this feeling of never being in love or having someone be in love with me ever again, and it is simply terrifying. I feel shaken to the core. I love all of my friends dearly and they make me a part of who I am. I hate to have to sit back and watch them go.

I just can't wake up anymore and be that girl who just wants to party and hang out. I want a life. I want a real one. I want something or someone to get me out of this place that I've spent the last eight years of my life getting into. It's over. I'm done with it.

I'm actually scared. I'm scared to have to do this all by myself. It's as if a door has opened and I want to walk through it, I'm just not sure of what's behind it.
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blah [20 Aug 2007|04:26am]
i still miss him like crazy.

he's pretty much all i think about.

it stinks that i met him at such a right time in my life. a time when i was ready for change. he was that. change.

and i don't feel like the same person since i met him. not because i've completely changed but because i'm getting older and bored and ready for something new.

i have to get back. i have to get back to me.
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it's over [25 Jul 2007|11:49pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i broke up with him in houston. on the fourth of july.

there was so much going on that looking back, it still astounds me his inability to care about anything, specifically me and my feelings. it came down to him not respecting me, not listening to me, insulting me, talking down to me, and so forth. and i don't even know why.

he said, "all women get like this at this point in their relationships. i've been through it before so nothing you have to say is new to me."

ouch. he told me that his job meant more to him than me, he didn't return my calls after i got back to dallas (i wanted to at least try and explain why i felt i had to do it; he just wouldn't listen to me), and then when i did finally talk to him, he insisted that he hadn't had the time to think about the relationship because he was so busy with his job and that he would let me decide what to do.

i told him to live his life and be happy.

why? he treated me like such shit the whole time i was visiting him (mind you, taking a greyhound bus and missing a week of work only to be insulted), and all i wanted to do was talk to him about my worries i was having with him moving and try and work through it like adults. but that didn't happen. he just ignored everything i had to say and broke me down to a point to where i was seriously doubting the person i am. he made me feel like i am a bad person. and that's why i had to let him go. i wrote him a letter before i left explaining this all to him and so much more but when i asked him had he read it, he said no. the raining in houston turned everything in his mailbox to mush.

and now, three weeks later, i am so confused as ever. i don't feel right. i feel like i would give him another chance if he asked for it, but he won't. everything that has been said or happened between us since i last saw him clearly indicates that he wants to get on with his career and life without me. i try to avoid thinking about him, but everything reminds me of stupid things he did that made me laugh. he has so many wonderful qualities about him that i want so much to be around because they made me a better person. it was working, it worked for so long and it's over.

i didn't really want to end it. i wish he would have listened to me, i wish he would have tried to make compromises, i wish i could have done whatever it is that he obviously needed me to in order for it to work out. but i have no idea because he never told me.

from the moment i saw him, i knew there was something different, and it's hard to just shake that feeling off, as if it never happened.

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ay yi yi [26 Jun 2007|08:50pm]

I forgot I had this thing.

So, I'm going back to Austin for school. I've been fucking around way too much and for way too long and it's just time that I get out of Dallas and I get on with my life.

The boyfriend and I are progressing along well. Five months now. And if we're still together in January after trying this long distance thing then Austin is closer to Houston, which is a plusplusplus. I miss him tons and I want to kiss his face which I will be doing on Friday.

It's funny to me that I'm dating someone so much like myself in such obvious ways. I've always imagined that I'm quite annoying and stubborn for the most part.

Such is life. I'm hungry. Time to eat.

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All in a day [13 Mar 2007|01:57pm]

I haven't written in here in forever. I'm suprised to see that it still works.

So what's new? I should be at work, but I'm postponing going in for as long as possible because I had jury duty today. I didn't get picked but work doesn't have to know that.

I have a boyfriend. He makes me feel insecure because I don't understand what it is about me that he likes so much. And I can't quite pick out what it is about him that I like so much. It just works for now, which is fine. 

Which is fine indeed.

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[02 Nov 2005|02:21am]

what does that word even mean anymore?
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[16 Oct 2005|02:56am]

there is nothing keeping me in this city anymore.

so where should i go?
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[23 Sep 2005|02:23pm]
I finally got a new job. FINALLY.
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[28 Aug 2005|12:37pm]

My head hurts.

Because there's only so far down you can go in a period of self-destruction and only when you hit that point can you start to come up again.

I desperately need to hit that point. Otherwise I've just given up.
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[27 Aug 2005|03:53pm]
Alan Cumming is a weirdo.

That is all.
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[11 Jul 2005|03:52pm]
i really wish i could disappear and never had existed.
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it's about to be...A GIRLFIGHT! [08 Jul 2005|02:49am]
Tonight, I learned an important lesson. Well actually, I didn't learn it, I just saw it come to life.

Girls - Don't fuck around with guys that have girlfriends. If he wants you that bad, he can leave his girlfriend for you. I'm not saying that that is any better, but at least you can have some dignity in knowing you weren't the girl a guy cheated on his girlfriend with. AND if you in fact cause a guy to cheat on his girlfriend, then you deserve every ass-beating coming your way. I make no exceptions. If some guy cheats on his girlfriend with me, then you better believe I'm watching my back 24/7. I expect to be in a fight.

I mean, WHY? Why even create all the drama? Just because you're a ho who can't be respectful to not only yourself but someone else? It's just fucking trashy. I was watching the epitome of trash tonight. I mean, WOW. I'm laughing about it now because it's so fucking ridiculous how people just are.

I never want to be that girl. Never.
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[21 Jun 2005|11:03pm]
So these guys come into work tonight, and they have really, really thick Jersey sounding accents and they ask me and Korey if we like music. I mean, who doesn't like music? I think that was a silly question.

Anyways, so I say that I do, and Korey is like, "Yes, Monique is our artsy girl," which in the way he said it made me think that anyone who likes markers and drawing on paper is considered artsy in some way. The shorter guy tells me that the band he's in, Marc Broussard, is playing there tomorrow and if I give him a discount, he'll put me on the guestlist. And I really want to because I'm a whore for free shows, but Korey is standing right there and he says no. So I'm like, "Ssssssuure I've heard of Marc Broussard. Wish I could go." And then the short guy hands me his credit card and is goes, "Recognize the name?" Of course it's Marc Brouusard and of course I have egg on my face but he's putting me on the guestlist anyways and told me to bring a friend.

AND! AND! I totally got out of work tomorrow yippee skippy today was awesome.

But it would have been better if someone could be easier to track down.

No one gives a shit who Marc Broussard is, I know. and he's not from Jersey, he's from Louisiana.
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[16 Jun 2005|01:59am]
i just have to keep reminding myself to be patient.

because this shit sucks.
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[14 Jun 2005|11:08pm]
For Katharine and Lindsey - six of my favorite songs and why: (These aren't necessarily my favorite songs of all time, just ones that I can think of right now)

1. "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf - The title of the song means, "No, I do not regret anything," which is kind of my personal motto. I also love Piaf's voice.

2. "My Funny Valentine" as sang by Chet Baker - I kind of think of myself as a "funny valentine" (I'm hilarious, seriously, and I don't view myself as the most attractive creature but it's those unattractive qualities that make me unique) and plus, Chet Baker's got a goddamned sexy voice.

3. "We Can Have I" by The Dears - I tried to convince myself that there was not a band that became popular last year that I was really into, but at SXSW, I saw their show and they played this song and I fell in love. I'm more into the lyrics than the actual music, but either way it's a very pretty song.

4. "Motion Picture Soundtrack" by Radiohead - I just like this song. I really do. I can't explain why.

5. "What You Waiting For" by Gwen Stefani - I know, it's catchy, it's all over the goddamn place but one night I was at a party and it was hosted by some people I didn't know. Naturally I didn't know most of the people at the party (they were all older than me) and someone puts this song on and an entire room of people started dancing to it. Then after it was over, everybody went back to milling around, drinking wine and conversating. I just like the effect that the song had at that party on those people.

6. "The Prophet's Song" by Queen - The vocal breakdown in the middle of this song is more than enough proof that Freddie Mercury is the greatest male vocalist of all time.

Now time for you fucks to do it:

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[11 Jun 2005|05:21pm]
the last 48 hours couldn't have been better.

ahhh. at last.
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[08 Jun 2005|09:07pm]
i have cable.

i don't know who's paying for it, but i have it.

the lady that came and installed it yesterday totally fucked up my TV so now dish network owes me a new one. which means we'll have four tv's at my house, one in every room.

dear. lord.

i'm pretty excited about bloc party tomorrow.
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i'm watching cops and eating fried chicken with my homophobic father [28 May 2005|08:10pm]

Badly. Oh god, I hate it so much. I hate my job. I was so glad to be sent home early today. I don't even care about performing up to the compnay's standards of customer service. I'm just like, "Oh, you want to try those shoes on. Okay. What size are you?"

I could scream.

My brother is home. He loves Chaucer. I mean, he loves that cat. And then he proposed to me that since he and his boyfriend think that their DNA would make an excellent baby, they want me to donate an egg so that Ben (his BF) can inseminate it and shit and have a baby. So my nephew or niece would be my son. I told them I'd donate an egg, but I'm not carrying it because no bastard that's going to tell me in 16 years that it hates me is going to ruin my body. This was all discussed at dinner at CiCi's pizza, with my mom present. And then, I shit you not, we talked about the disgusting properties of sperm. WITH MY MOM. AND MY BROTHER. AND HIS BOYFRIEND. AT A CICI'S PIZZA. IN OAK CLIFF. I invited them (bro and ben, not mom's) out to his gay club last week, but instead Samantha and I went and met up with my coworkers and we got shitfaced. It was awesome. Who knew that gay men loved black chicks so much?

My dad and my bro finally talked and it ended with my dad telling my brother that "he hopes he gets AIDS and dies." Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with my father?

All in all, life is crazy. I've been drunk way too much in the past week and a half. I'm lonely but like Allison told me when she was here, "I know it's 2005, but it's still Texas."
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